The Longest Krutahn Execution

The longest Krutahn execution occurred about 530 years ago.  Right around the Earth equivalent of 1492- and yes that’s right! Just as Columbus was sailing the ocean blue the Krutahn were into poetry and killing too!

But before we talk about the execution let’s talk about the Krutahn: Lame Tos KyAnche. I’m not sure why but the Krutapedia always translated Krutahn names into 3 names. My hypothesis is that the translating AI noticed that assassins are always known by 3 names (John Wilks Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Billy Ray Cyrus).

Anyway back to Lame. Everyone knew Lame was precocious from a young age. And since we’re talking about Krutahns precocious means psychopath. Lame was the talk of the town! Tiger parents from all over would send their kids to 1 v 1 combat the toddler when he hit his terrible 3s. Don’t worry- they might be blood thirsty space lizards but they weren’t monsters. The 3 year old fights were basically sumo wrestling. The fat bottom Krutahn youth would roll around on their proto-tails and try to shove each other out of a ring. The Krutapedia said that at age 3 a Krutahn is basically a giant weeble. Their stubby little paws flapping wildly to keep them upright. Little Lame won every time by not caring if he fell. He’d throw himself full force at his opponent- knocking both of them out of the ring. And then came the tears and wailing. Not from the babies- they were perfectly fine. The parents of the losing child would cry loudly at the loss. You’re probably asking “But isn’t that a tie?” In fact, in Krutahn culture causing a loss for the other party is much more important than winning.  I don’t get it either, but it does the baby weeble sumo wrestling sounds cute.

When he was 10, our young budding-psychopath was sent to camp. He won “best camper.” His crowning achievement at the camp? No, it wasn’t basket weaving, or archery. Young Lame, like all the campers was put into a group of 4 and sent to hunt the Krutahn equivalent of a snipe. For all you non-southerners a snipe hunt is a pointless task- usually given to young boys. Boys are sent to hunt a “snipe,”; the grownups sending them on the hunt just never tell them that a snipe does not exist. The boys are told “don’t come back until you have one.” Evidently being lied to and then coming back empty-handed after a night in the cold is supposed to build character. I don’t know. If I was ever told to hunt a bird overnight I’d say “looks like  I lost” and go inside to browse the webs.

Anyway…..Lame was sent on a snipe hunt. Sure enough he came back the next day, but he wasn’t empty handed. He came back with the HEADS of the rest of his hunting party. Krutapedia quotes the young liar as having to kill his teammates because “their cowardice prevented me from killing the snipe.” Instead of promptly sending this kid in for a psych – eval he got to meet their equivalent of President. And from that day forward everyone knew he was going to be something.

There was just one small problem. Little Lame went through puberty. And started challenging everyone. He was too young to legally engage in death battles, but that didn’t stop him from challenging every male he met. His teachers? Challenged. His Principle? Challenged. High school janitor? You better believe he challenged that guy- beating him with a mop and dunking his head into a bucket of soapy water! This went on with a huge percentage of the local populace having the date he turned 18 marked on their calendar. Because everyone wanted a piece of Lame.

              The day before he turned 18 there were concentric circles surrounding Lame’s suburban ranch-style house. (I really want to take you for a deep dive on Krutapedia entries that sound similar to House Hunters- but I’ll leave it for another day). The males were holding contests to see who would battle him first. It was pure pandemonium. That night, his parents called the clan leaders and challenged each and everyone of them on behalf of Lame.

              A few minutes before the clock struck midnight the average male Krutahn was sitting at home, nursing whatever injury they had last received, watching the TV and wondering “who’s going to be the lucky person.” The luckiest Krutahns were lined up outside Lame’s door- a veritable conga line of killers sporting clubs, swords, guns, flame throwers, plasma knives, quantum nun-chucks. Each one hoping they’d be the one to finally kill Lame and get all the glory.

              To the chagrin of everyone at home or in the neighborhoods- a FLEET of military transport vessels landed in Lame’s fenced-in backward- between the Victorian era gazebo, stone garden, and above ground swimming hole. (I’m telling you I really want to tell you what Krutahn House Hunters is like). Lame was whisked away to their equivalent of DC because he  had a date to the death with all members of their upper house of government.

              So it was, at 30 minutes past midnight that the barely legal Lame appeared on TV and declared that he “will kill all who dare challenge him.” Pretty standard chest thumping for an 18 year old jock. But, in a twist, he added “The glory of my death shall go to the opponent before the one that gives me a mortal wound. For this Krutahn will have crushed my fortitude- and my fortitude is what makes me, better, than all of you.”  Yeah pretty bad ass for an 18 year old right?

              Now- no one wanted to be the person that killed Lame, they wanted to be the person who Lame killed before Lame was killed. Geez this is confusing. So one by one, each Krutahn said that Lame had beaten them by default- hoping that the next person down the line would battle and kill Lame. Deals were struck to make this happen. Of course the Krutahn constantly stab each other in the back so nothing ever stuck. In fact for the next year no one so much as looked at Lame. He pretty much did what he wanted.

              So what does an 18 year old jock psychopath that has learned he faces no consequences for anything do? Yeah- he went BUCK WILD! Destruction, drugs, drinking, and debauchery were his MO for about a year. Then he was finally brought down when he straight up walked into a clan leader’s house and started breaking pots and taking money like he was the protagonist in a video game. He was also a little pudgy by then- turns out a diet of meth, booze, and packaged snack foods don’t do a body good.

              But of course- no one wanted to execute him. So his executions kept getting delayed.

              Finally, after 10 years of being on remote monitoring while waiting execution Lame was given the option to go on a suicide mission for the glory of his planet. He accepted. What happened next?  Well I’ll tell you next time, but for now I need to get my Krutahn House Hunters article ready.